The more I live in France, the more I’m surprised when I come back to the US. It’s a cool experience to see something old as new again. Each time we go to the US we try to do a different type of trip, with each one usually involving a stop to see some family. Sometimes we see big cities, sometimes we see the mountains. Sometimes it’s east coast, sometimes the west. I tell my wife we see more of the US on vacation while living in France than we would if we lived in the US. When I was living in the US I was always going to Europe, Asia, or the islands for my vacations.
A few years ago a coworker of mine did a big trip from LA to San Francisco to Yosemite & the Grand Canyon, etc. One of the comments he made was that the Americans were a bit fake and hypocritical. I took that as odd and immediately started probing him for more info. He said he didn’t like it when we went to a restaurant and the servers were all phony being nice and all. “Hi, my name is Bob and I’m going to be taking care of you this evening. How are you doing? …” He said they didn’t care how you’re doing and were just after tips. He made a good point.
In France, the waiters aren’t there to be your friend, make conversation, etc. The main reason is the tip is included at all the restaurants (it’s common to leave some change for the waiter but it’s optional). So they don’t have to be so friendly. The second reason is the Americans do everything to the extreme trying to outdo one another, especially when it comes to marketing, whereas in Europe things are more formal and traditional. I used to be a waiter in the US, that’s how I put myself through school. And I never thought twice about the “Hi I’ll be taking care of you” routine. It was just something we did. But now, after 7 years in France, I find it a bit of a turnoff when I hear it in the US. I guess France has hardened me up, but it just feels odd having a conversation with someone when you know he’s only talking to you to get a big tip. It’s like paying for a friend.
In restaurants isn’t the only time you’ll hear it. Almost every time we walk into a store, we get something similar: “Hi, how are you today?” Sometimes I want to say “Well I’ve got a headache and I’m a bit constipated today but other than that I guess it’s going alright!” What would they say? Maybe some day I’ll get up the courage to try it.
Now these sales people aren’t in it for the tips, and almost all of them are salaried without commissions and make the same if we buy a shirt or not. So why do they do it? My guess is they’re just supposed to, probably the way they were trained. Make the customer feel warm and welcome and he’ll buy from you. But it makes me want to leave.
Jewelry stores are the worse. They swarm around like bees sharks waiting to catch their prey. I hate going into jewelry stores because of it. In France, however, we often go in a jewelry store and no one says a word other than a polite bonjour. Sometimes we have to wait 5 minutes just to ask a question. It’s an interesting experience, I don’t think the two could be any further apart.
And now to go a bit farther, we were recently in Gatlinburg Tennessee where we met my family for a week. And to my surprise, it’s not only the waiters & store clerks that are asking “Hi how are you today?” but it’s my dad and he’s doing it to everyone we see. And it appears to be genuine, after all he’s not selling anything and he definitely isn’t getting any tips. He’s usually not “that bad”, I think he’s just really happy to be on vacation with us.
So I talked to him about it. He said it’s nice and polite and friendly. I ask if he really cared how people are doing? He said he did. I don’t know, between my family, work, and my personal life I’m just too busy to be concerned with how fifty strangers a day are doing. Especially when 99% of the time they’re “fine, how are you?” It’s like you’re obligated to respond to the question with “good” or “fine” and that’s what makes it so phony. Even when you have a headache and you’re constipated, you still reply “fine”. Image going to the doctor, he says “How are you today” and you say “fine”.
So if these friendly exchanges were real, people wouldn’t reply “fine” they’d tell you a bit about themselves and their day. You could offer up some sympathy or maybe even help solve a problem. Now that would be fun. So the more I think about it, it’s not the question that is phony it’s the canned response.
I told my dad it’s not like that in France and he said he didn’t want to come to France if people don’t ask how you’re doing. He said it’s rude if you don’t ask how people are doing. That was a debate I wasn’t going to win so I left him off the hook, which saves us from having to do a major cleaning. I did challenge him to come and try it, just to see what happens. It’d be pretty funny if he did. I’d probably follow him around with a video camera.
So my question to you is this: Do you think it’s phony or hypocritical? Do you like it? And do you think it’s rude if they don’t do this in France? Let me know what you think by leaving a comment.
I think the “Hi, how are you, did you find everything you were looking for?” is just the French version of “Bonjour, Au revoir”. I mean, think about it, it’s considered rude in the US if an American cashier doesn’t do her little spiel, and it’s considered very rude in France if the store owner/customer don’t go through the ritual of saying Hello upon entering and Goodbye upon exiting the store. Same ritual, different words.
Well, if I go into a place of business and no one has a smile or a “how are you today?” then I do not feel welcome and usually turn around and leave. Some of us truly do care how people are. If I say to the cashier @ WalMart “how’s your day going?” and they just say “ok” then that’s fine with me. But, if they say “it’s been an awful day, I’ve had the most rude customers” then I can @ least listen to their story as they ring up my items and I can tell them “hope you have a better evening” or “better tomorrow”, etc. Sometimes, people have family issues and just need someone to listen even if only for a couple minutes. Then if I can give a word of encouragement I will. The smile & greeting are much more than you seem to realize. I feel a little sad for people like you. But, I hope you are feeling great and that you too have a wonderful day. Even if at this moment you have a headache and are constipated, deep down, doesn’t it kinda make you feel good that someone, somewhere wants you to have a good day (and I’m not even getting a tip out of this!) Doesn’t it put just a tiny little smile on your face?
I am an American living in France for almost 5 years now. I have to say you made very good points with what you said regarding how phony waiters seem and it’s true that it’s just for the tips. I also have to say that I have been very put off by many French waiters cause of their rudeness but only in Paris. But I must remark that I think American waiters and waitresses go the extra mile to make your meal pleasant. For example, they constantly come by and see if you need anything. That rarely if ever happens in France and I hate that. You have to flag them down to get another drink. As per your American stores comments, having worked in a clothes store in the US, I can say that yes we are trained to ask how the customers are doing. I remember not greeting a few customers once and being reprimanded for it.
I think most of the time the exchanges that people/strangers have are impersonal, fake, and I find it annoying. I am an American of Vietmaese decent and cashiers/waiters never ask how we are. They are not rude, overly friendly, just real. I was born in America, and I am in my mid-thirties. I love the way there is no pretence. You go to the market, get you food, sometimes the cashier makes a comment of how much food you have, or she sees the items that you have bought, and ask you are you making so-so tonight. That’s it. I say thankyou, and she smiles, and smiles, and the next customer taken care of. you do not have to use words or money to always convey respect for one another. I lost my job last year and money has been very tight. I still love taking my children to our favorite restaurant. We just order one entree and one dessert. They fill up a lot with the bread/olive-vinger sauce. The waiters treated us so poorly compared to when I used to order 3-5 dishes. Anytime you give a service that is connected with money things are never genuine.