Why you won’t hear “Hi how are you today?” in France

Filed Under Everyday France | 4 Comments

The more I live in France, the more I’m surprised when I come back to the US. It’s a cool experience to see something old as new again. Each time we go to the US we try to do a different type of trip, with each one usually involving a stop to see some family. Sometimes we see big cities, sometimes we see the mountains. Sometimes it’s east coast, sometimes the west. I tell my wife we see more of the US on vacation while living in France than we would if we lived in the US. When I was living in the US I was always going to Europe, Asia, or the islands for my vacations.

A few years ago a coworker of mine did a big trip from LA to San Francisco to Yosemite & the Grand Canyon, etc. One of the comments he made was that the Americans were a bit fake and hypocritical. I took that as odd and immediately started probing him for more info. He said he didn’t like it when we went to a restaurant and the servers were all phony being nice and all. “Hi, my name is Bob and I’m going to be taking care of you this evening. How are you doing? …” He said they didn’t care how you’re doing and were just after tips. He made a good point.

In France, the waiters aren’t there to be your friend, make conversation, etc. The main reason is the tip is included at all the restaurants (it’s common to leave some change for the waiter but it’s optional). So they don’t have to be so friendly. The second reason is the Americans do everything to the extreme trying to outdo one another, especially when it comes to marketing, whereas in Europe things are more formal and traditional. I used to be a waiter in the US, that’s how I put myself through school. And I never thought twice about the “Hi I’ll be taking care of you” routine. It was just something we did. But now, after 7 years in France, I find it a bit of a turnoff when I hear it in the US. I guess France has hardened me up, but it just feels odd having a conversation with someone when you know he’s only talking to you to get a big tip. It’s like paying for a friend.

In restaurants isn’t the only time you’ll hear it. Almost every time we walk into a store, we get something similar: “Hi, how are you today?” Sometimes I want to say “Well I’ve got a headache and I’m a bit constipated today but other than that I guess it’s going alright!” What would they say? Maybe some day I’ll get up the courage to try it.

Now these sales people aren’t in it for the tips, and almost all of them are salaried without commissions and make the same if we buy a shirt or not. So why do they do it? My guess is they’re just supposed to, probably the way they were trained. Make the customer feel warm and welcome and he’ll buy from you. But it makes me want to leave.

Jewelry stores are the worse. They swarm around like bees sharks waiting to catch their prey. I hate going into jewelry stores because of it. In France, however, we often go in a jewelry store and no one says a word other than a polite bonjour. Sometimes we have to wait 5 minutes just to ask a question. It’s an interesting experience, I don’t think the two could be any further apart.

And now to go a bit farther, we were recently in Gatlinburg Tennessee where we met my family for a week. And to my surprise, it’s not only the waiters & store clerks that are asking “Hi how are you today?” but it’s my dad and he’s doing it to everyone we see. And it appears to be genuine, after all he’s not selling anything and he definitely isn’t getting any tips. He’s usually not “that bad”, I think he’s just really happy to be on vacation with us.

So I talked to him about it. He said it’s nice and polite and friendly. I ask if he really cared how people are doing? He said he did. I don’t know, between my family, work, and my personal life I’m just too busy to be concerned with how fifty strangers a day are doing. Especially when 99% of the time they’re “fine, how are you?” It’s like you’re obligated to respond to the question with “good” or “fine” and that’s what makes it so phony. Even when you have a headache and you’re constipated, you still reply “fine”. Image going to the doctor, he says “How are you today” and you say “fine”.

So if these friendly exchanges were real, people wouldn’t reply “fine” they’d tell you a bit about themselves and their day. You could offer up some sympathy or maybe even help solve a problem. Now that would be fun. So the more I think about it, it’s not the question that is phony it’s the canned response.

I told my dad it’s not like that in France and he said he didn’t want to come to France if people don’t ask how you’re doing. He said it’s rude if you don’t ask how people are doing. That was a debate I wasn’t going to win so I left him off the hook, which saves us from having to do a major cleaning. I did challenge him to come and try it, just to see what happens. It’d be pretty funny if he did. I’d probably follow him around with a video camera.

So my question to you is this: Do you think it’s phony or hypocritical? Do you like it? And do you think it’s rude if they don’t do this in France? Let me know what you think by leaving a comment.