The French dinner party, American style
March 18th 2007
It’s Sunday morning and with a slight headache I think about our dinner party last night. The planning for this dinner party was almost a year in the making (OK I’m exaggerating here, but with a young baby all plans seem to slow down while at the same time the time passes by so fast). Last year a coworker who had become a good friend invited us to his place for dinner. It wasn’t the first time we’ve been invited for dinner..
Here I’ll pause and tell you that, unlike in the US, being invited to someone’s house for dinner is not very common in France and is a sure sign of the beginning of a more serious friendship. The Americans are very casual about making friends and having people over, the French are very reserved. This would be a good subject for a future blog so I’ll save it for later and get back to the story.
This wasn’t the first time, but it was the most classy: champagne, fois gras de maison (”duck liver” “home made”), mouton (”lamb”), and of course the best wine from Bordeaux. We were blown away, it was perfectly executed, with a level of service surpassing many fine restaurants (ones that we can afford anyway). And there the thought began: “What are we going to do to reciprocate?” My wife, who is French, started thinking of how we could pull off something of the same level. It was obvious to me that we’d need Tom Cruise. (I’m proud of myself for tactfully fitting his name into my blog, not because it’s a not-so-subtle reference to Mission Impossible but because it will also double the hits for this page!)
Fast forward almost a year.. I changed jobs and suddenly I wasn’t eating lunch with my friend, which had been a daily ritual for almost 2 years. At my pot de départ I told him and another friend that they would be invited to our place in the near future. You know, the kind of thing you say after a few glasses of Champagne Mousseux.
After a month and a half, another one of our friends (also in the lunch club, who is now at the client’s site and therefore out of the lunch club as well) reminded me of my generous offer. I talked it over with the wife and we decided to take a Saturday off from house hunting and have the four of them over. With my new business strategy skills, I decided the plan was not to compete with the chic French (a battle I’d certainly never win), but to do it American style (a battle in which the French have no chance). So the plans were in order. The theme would be Mexican, and it would be very casual.
The two couples arrived between 7:30 & 8:15pm and we started each with the “welcome drink” - a shot of my favorite Tequila, smuggled back to France from Mexico, complete with lime & salt. The menu we chose was, with the exception of a few small items, completely de maison (litterally “of the house” which means “homemade”):
drinks: margaritas & piña coladas
appetizer: shrimp quesadillas
dinner (first round): beef enchiladas
dinner (second round): chicken fajitas
dessert: carrot cake & pecan pie
liquor: Mozart white chocolate liquor or tea
All set in an casual ambiance with Mexican music (Chingon among others) and our very American dinnerware (a gift from my mother that we had to haul back to France on the airplane). I think we broke every French rule about food that exists, but not only our French guests didn’t seem to mind, they really seemed to enjoy it!
The biggest surprise, according to one of my friends, was that I did most of the cooking. He even asked the day before, “What time does your wife plan on serving the meal?” to which I replied “First off, I am doing the cooking. Second…” I have to give my wife credit for the desserts, that’s her specialty, and they were great. She’s done a great job learning to make American desserts, although she is a little stingy with the icing.
I’ll spare you the rest of the details of our intimate evening, I’ve hit the highlights here. I’ll end in saying that hosting a French dinner party doesn’t have to be difficult for an American, if you do it American style. Just save the Domino’s Pizza for later, once you’ve become really close friends.
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This works well for a while, but what do you do after you’ve had them over for dinner several times? I mean, there are only so many Mexican soirées that one can throw, and then eventually you have to just suck it up and dive head first into French cuisine!
We actually have a few friends who request Mexican when they come. I always say to my wife “we made that last time”. Really Mexican food offers a lot of varieties, there are lots of dishes to choose from. And then you get into good old fashioned American favorites. Meatloaf is one of my favorites. That just doesn’t exist in France. The closest would be a kefta but not very close. So I’m confident that we can come up with new menus but if we have to, I have an expert French cook available (my wife!).
Anyway, my point isn’t our marvelous Mexican repertoire, but the fact that you can easily counter a chic French dinner with something very unique and original, yet casual. And the French will love it. Be it Mexican, American, Asian, or anything else.
“Unique” and “original” I understand from the Mexican aspect. But how was it “casual”?
In general the French are more formal than Americans and their dinners as well. It cannot be explained, it has to be experienced.
I have indeed “experienced” it, as a matter of course. I was not inquiring as to the formal nature of the French as they entertain privately. I was actually asking about the “casual” nature of your affair.
Casual is not dressing up, not being formal at the dinner table, getting rowdy (margaritas & pina coladas help with that), etc. It’s letting loose and not being so uptight. I suggested that they come dressed in jeans.
I remember in the US I went over to a coworkers house on the weekends. We always ordered pizza, drank beer, and played pool. It was great. The emphasis was on having fun together, not on the menu. I still look back to those times with fond memories. In France, people are more critical. The menu must be well thought-out in advance and carefully planned. All the details worked out, even down to the seating arrangements. It’s funny when someone tells you where your seat is for dinner. In the US it’s like musical chairs, we just go for it.
I hope that made sense, I’m trying to finish the leftover limes and the only way I know to get rid of them is by making margaritas.
and I hope others will chime in.
Well, I’m sure it was a charming break from the usual. It is always nice to do something out of the ordinary on occasion.
Dressing up is a gesture of respect to the host. Being invited to a person’s residence is not a casual gesture in France, and your clothes signal the acknowledgment of the magnitude of such. In America, people invite strangers to their house (”the more of the merrier”), and while that works over there, it is simply of a different standard in France that most relationships are not of the private house. So the formality of a guest’s attire is reflective of this threshold.
“The menus must be well though-out in advance and carefully planned.” Again, it is not a casual event to invite a person into one’s home. Having chosen to do so, would it not be reasonable to plan the evening carefully?
There are quite a large number of people that would consider it “funny” to NOT be assigned a position at a table: why is it necessarily preferable to have to vie for a seat? Again, there can be advantages and disadvantages to both methodes, but I am pointing out that the French way is not necessarily to be looked down. I have been to “informal” events where the conversation is all but ruined by not having the correct people sitting in proximity - forcing them to either rudely talk down the table or across people, or forgo the discussion entirely. Why would you want a husband and wife isolated at one end of a table, insulated from the rest by a grandmother and great uncle, from the rest of the conversation. Such happens, and the husband and wife contribute nothing and result in talking in themselves, as they could have at home. There the host has done poorly. So you see, there might be reasons for doing things differently sometimes.
There will always be emphasis on a menu at any moment in France. France values good food, and therefore it is to be expected that any event will have some emphasis on the composition and execution of the menu. I am sure another country that doesn’t place that value on food would find other things to emphasize.
“…we just go for it.” That works out splendidly for the most aggressive. Seating arrangements allow less aggressive people to not be assigned a resultive poor choice. Perhaps your friends at home were all equally comfortable with each other, but that is not always the case.
(It is here that I would like to point out your sentence “The emphasis was on having fun together….” I do not think you meant it so strong, but that sentence certainly speaks to a assumptive, declarative stance that maintaining a standard of food precludes enjoyment of the evening.)
Yes, France is more formal. But perhaps since you are living here, it will become just “different” rather than inferior. Americans love “comfortable” and consider “casual” as the only sensible way to attend to life. It certainly is easier. To non-Americans, that “casual” has at times more words attached to it than just “easier” and there might be reasons of cultural identity why that might not be as valued as you so readily assume.
Why not just “order pizza, drink beer, and play pool” for a wedding? Because it is not the custom. So custom still counts and might be different at different times. And places. Not better.
My point is this: I am sure your casual event was a pleasant alternative, but it is possible that your host country deserves a moment of reflection as to why they might habitually do things differently.
Hi, thanks for the detailed comment. I agree with everything you say and it’s fascinating to hear the French point of view. I get the impression from your post, that you think I’m criticizing the French customs and that’s not true at all. This site is about experiencing things from a different point of view, and learning & trying new things.
Thanks again and I hope to see your comments on other posts as well.